Sharing our story has been both therapeutic and exhausting. Each stage of this journey I have been trying to guard my heart and not let fear or anxiety take root. Writing this blog, for me, has been a way to chronicle our adoption journey and to process all the ups and downs. Sharing all our "no's" has not been easy...but I am looking forward to sharing that one "yes!"About two weeks after our last "maybe" situation, we got another call. This time the expectant mom was due in March and had a medical health history that made it a risky situation. We also were told that the baby was a boy! We weighed up all the risks and decided to put our book forward. They delayed showing the books one week and then delayed it another week. We were three weeks into waiting when we found out she chose a different couple.I spent those three weeks waiting taking all of the baby girl clothes out of the nursery and filling the drawers and closet with little baby boy clothes. I had pictured our baby being a girl since our first "maybe" situation back in September. I honestly had to come to terms with potentially adopting a baby boy. Will was thrilled at the idea of adopting a boy (he has wanted a boy this entire time!), but I, without realizing, had pictured Baby M as a girl.
"When I wait, You strengthen my heart"-Psalm 27:14
I was anxious during the entire wait...I kept checking my phone and email hoping for an update! When we got the email that we weren't the chosen family, I honestly expected to react in a similar way to our previous situations. This time was different. I was not sad, just more relieved. I knew fully that this little boy was not meant to be ours. For the first time I was completely letting go of control and trusting that our baby would come to us. It was such a new feeling for me...and finally giving up the control and trusting God completely gave me so much peace.
Fast forward two weeks later...
A friend of ours, who has adopted multiple times, texted me on Monday, February 26, about a potential situation. This expectant mom was out-of-state, and in a completely different agency than ours. She was looking for an attractive, young, out-of-state couple who did not have kids but loved dogs. This expectant mom had exhausted her agency's database and could not find a family to match with.
So I called Will....
I told him the financial reality attached with this situation (we are currently locked into a contract with our agency and would be responsible for paying two agencies) and he immediately said no way! I asked him to take a moment, think and pray, before he decided no!I called to find out more information about the situation. The baby boy would be born in June and the expectant mom was young and wanted him to have two parents! We decided to call our agency to get a clear picture of what this situation would cost us financially. After that phone call I broke down and cried...Will would never agree to it. Little did I know...During that conference call, Will had been taking notes and figuring out what we would need to borrow and raise if we were chosen. He called me and went over all the numbers. He was excited and we both decided to move forward and have our book shown.Well after two days we found out that the expectant mom wanted to email us first before she made any decisions. I was really excited about this because I had no contact or closure with any of the expectant mothers that did not choose us in the past. Her mother sent me a beautiful email about her and her situation. We responded with questions about her and shared a bit more about us.On Thursday, the expectant mom started emailing me. It was lite and conversational in style and I kept it focused on her. She started sending me pictures of her dogs, her siblings, and herself. I was so excited to just talk to her and to get to know her. We have a lot of things in common, but it was also nerve-wracking! I decided to be myself with her and realized that if her baby was meant for us, me being my normal chatty self couldn't change that!She emailed me to say that she enjoyed talking to me but had to go. I texted the caseworker to let her know we had been emailing and she asked if she could call me in an hour. I was driving to my physical therapist appointment when she called...She asked how the conversation went with the expectant mom and I shared all of the connections with her. She then told me that the expectant mom had called her an hour earlier to say that she loves us and wants to match with us.
I about lost it.
I immediately starting weeping (luckily I was already parked!) and could not believe it! In all the previous situations, I had been desperately waiting for that call. This time it took me by surprise. The case worker said she gave the expectant mom the weekend to decide, but she was adamant that we were the family she had been searching for.
I called Will to tell him the news and we cried together for what felt like forever. I quickly ran into my appointment, told them I was emotionally unavailable, and then drove home.I have often thought about what our "yes" would feel like. It has hit me in waves...where I cry uncontrollably and then experience so much joy and excitement. We had no idea that this baby was going to be ours and now we just can't wait to meet him.
Its officially been a week since we matched with our expectant mom. Will and I still look at each other and get giddy! I know now that our last "maybe" prepared our hearts for this boy. He is already so loved! We are overwhelmed at God's goodness and faithfulness to us.
As we are adopting out of state, the total cost of this adoption is more than we had originally budgeted for. We are excited to start fundraising to help with that financial burden. We have set up a gofundme.com page and will be doing various fundraisers up until June.Thank you so much for your support over this long journey to find our Baby M. We appreciate your prayers, you conversations, and your support.
It takes a village.xoxo Ashley